My Being Days

This is for you 'on the edge'

2009-12-01T14:18:00.002+02:00

A mix of life and a lack of a reliable internet connection at home, I have found myself doing other things like cleaning (booooring) and organising and cooking and kids and all housey stuff, quickly check my facebook on the mobile, not really even checking my e-mails, last time i looked there was something like 600 unread mail!!!

Any ways. Happy Eid to all, especially 'on the edge' ;)

My eid was pretty much uneventful, the usual will it be thursday or friday business, along with the rest of Libya's population...what a mess!!!

It was a good eid, organised this year by me... Yep, I took the initiative and made sure we stuck to the plan, I thought it went well anyway....didn't have any comments from the rest of the clan, good or bad!

everything else is going ok, my daughter's been ill so hasn't been to school, its just the flu, but i didn't want to send her to school as I've been told that there has been a case of swine flu, don't want to take any risks.

Potty training my nearly 3 year old, its taking ages, not enjoying that at all.

2009-09-01T00:08:00.002+02:00

Its Ramadan again!! seems like only yesterday it had finished, and here we are agin 11 days into it.

Ramadan Kareem to all...

I must admit though, its been so much easier with me not working this year. I'm enjoying it more, don't feel so stressed all the time or in a hurry to get everything finished on time...because I have more time.
I'm still with them downstairs, however with me being so mellow these days they don't really seem that bad anymore...
I'm a happier person inside now....and people have noticed...I must have been a really moody miserable cow, cause people are really commenting on how better I look, and how fresher I am...blah blah blah...

Anyway, whatever anybody else thinks...I just feel so much better.

finding the time..

2009-05-03T17:40:00.002+02:00

I don't know how other bloggers do it, finding time to blog. It was easier when I was working as I'd take a break from work and check on my e-mails and blog and do all my online bits and pieces, but now, when I take a break from work, thats house work, kids, and the usual lady of the house stuff all I want to do is sit like a zombie for a while and just not have to think, even then I get interrupted by a thirsty child, a child that wants the loo, or just a child that wants to sit on my lap, or behind me or over me.... (sigh)

Don't get me wrong, I'm enjoying spending time with them, but I think I need to make a bit more me time...

Well...I'm being interrupted again....

Blessed

2009-03-11T08:48:00.002+02:00

You know sometimes when you sit down and can't help smiling to your self, that feeling of content and happiness that sometimes you get blessed with once in a while. I've had this now for a while, I'd say a week or so.

Nothing special has happened to me, I'm at home now and not working, but I have a feeling of being satisfied with how my life is at the moment, I love this feeling, I want it to last forever, I know it won't because I know me so well, always trying to find something to moan about. However I'm enjoying it while it lasts, don't want to hold on to it too tightly in fear of it slipping away, but just lightly inhaling this amazing haze surrounding me.

Still alive.

2009-02-20T15:43:00.002+02:00

Just wanted to let people know that I am still alive, just have had limited access to internet, apart from the mobile.

Anyway, all is well, I have stopped working and am now at home with the kids. Its great, waking up in the morning, early i might add as I have to get my daughter ready for school, have my coffee and breakfast with my son, I feel relaxed and less stressed, I have more patience and much more time to do things that I keep putting off. I wonder how long this will last, before I start getting bored.

Living Side by Side...

2009-01-20T11:56:00.011+02:00

Is this the closest we get to coexistence.

Holocaust v Palestine

And we continue to stand back and watch...

2009-01-18T10:34:00.008+02:00

We can close our eyes and pretend that nothing is going on,

we can stop watching and carry on with our lives as normal,

we have a choice....

what do they have....

What else can we do...

2009-01-15T12:54:00.000+02:00

Genocide

2009-01-15T11:55:00.004+02:00

Donate your Facebook Status

2009-01-13T10:36:00.002+02:00

In 17 Days 919 palestinians killed by Israel including 284 children and 100 women, 4260 injured.

http://apps.facebook.com/supportgaza

No Words...

2009-01-06T12:10:00.002+02:00

I have been wanting to post for a while, however what subject could possibly be more important than what is going on in the world at the moment.

What an end to 2008 and a start to 2009!!!

Sad Sad Days...

2008-12-30T09:04:00.002+02:00

My thoughts are with you people of Gaza...
I feel sorry that I can not do much but pray for you...
I feel ashamed that as Arabs our leaders are not lifting a finger to help...

May Allah give you strength and bless you all.

Common Sense and Logic

2008-12-14T13:12:00.002+02:00

My previous post was commented on, the last comment was about using common sense and logic.

Personally I feel every body has a different way of thinking and interpreting things based on their background and upbringing.

Hijab for instance: I sometimes wonder why I decided to wear hijab, especially when I have a great hair day and know that i will have to flatten it with a scarf because i need to go out and have coffee with the girls, so common sense and logic says that I CAN go out if i choose without my headscarf, these days with or without it people don't give you a second thought.

Eating non halal meat: Common sense and logic say that how can I be sure 100% that the meat I do eat is hallal (I'm talking about those who live in non Islamic countries) so logically I'm not going to starve myself, am I??

To me, Religion is about me being a person that I can be proud of, treating people the way that i would like to be treated, and doing things that will please Allah. If I was to go about using my common sense and Logic (which really scare me sometimes), I wouldn't have listened to my parents and come back to Libya because I am an adult and I can take care of myself by myself, but being a muslim means that I should respect my parents and their wishes. I would have gone out drinking with my friends at all night parties in fresher week, because I was young and this is what life was about, common sense and logic tell me that my friends do it, they are OK why shouldn't I, but being a muslim means that I stop myself, not from having fun, but from doing things that are ...well.. you know.

Yes we have been confused by all these new sheiks that are on tele, telling us that everything we do is Haram, I have stopped listening to them as they scare me. I want to think of religion as a soul cleanser, not to be feared but to be embraced and used in our daily lives.

p.s. I'm struggling with the brow thing....

My Eyebrows

2008-12-03T13:38:00.002+02:00

This is a different kind of post for me, its about what I'm doing at the moment, or trying not to do. I've been listening to religious programmes recently and there is much talk on the exhausted subject of should women pluck their eyebrows. (I hear the men sigh and move on).
Anyway...to me this is important. I'm not an overly religious person, Yes I wear hijab, and yes I pray, and I try to consciously smile at people etc...etc...
Plucking my eyebrows...I love, never will I let myself go completely...but it is forbidden, I have read many websites and got confused, so decided to ask a sheik to get a last fatwa and that is what I will stick with.
The Sheik from Dalmonti....he say NO.... (AAHHHHHHHHHH)
So...Little miss caught in the middle has now stopped plucking her eyebrows (Allah Yahdi)
We will see what I look like in a couple months time....

Retracted resignation

2008-12-01T12:43:00.002+02:00

It's an incredible feeling to discover how much people really want you to stay. After handing in my resignation, I had a few phone calls and e-mails asking me to reconsider and that what ever issues I had will be resolved blah blah blah....
I didn't realise that people felt this way about me, (this is me looking for acceptance)
I thought I had made my mind up and that was it, but for some reason I wasn't happy,...I wasn't sure of the choice that I had made...and off course all the so called good natured advise people try to give, apposing your decision, applauding your decision..what ever....it's my decision.

So my manager called me...he managed to persuade me to retract the resignation, pending further discussions. we will see.

But, funnily enough, as soon as I sent the retraction e-mail I was relieved. I'm sure it's got something to do with me wanting to stay in my nice, safe, warm box, not wanting to venture out in case i got lost. But maybe stability is what I need at the moment, something safe for a while, till I get my feet settled....

How long will this take???

Exciting Times

2008-11-24T10:27:00.002+02:00

I'm at a cross roads in my life at the moment, well...its more of a T junction.
One way is leave the company I have been working for ever since I moved to Libya, stay at home for a couple of months then start looking for new opportunities. The other is stay where I am, keep my head down and go on with the life I have and know now.
I have made my decision, as I've been in a rut for a while, I've decided to leave.
It wasn't easy, believe me.
I want to spend time with the kids, take care of myself, 'chill out' for a while, maybe think about having another baby (I said maybe!!)
Just think the hardest decision has been made already, to leave the company that I love. I have my reasons for leaving...they are many.

I'm looking forward to my new life style, but also apprehensive...I love to work, to leave the house and do something that is solely mine, however I miss my kids, and feel that they are growing up without their mother, I'm physically there, but mentally I'm too exhausted to interact with them.

Let me know what you think.

I've been tagged

2008-10-22T22:01:00.002+02:00

On the Edge has asked me the following:

Please share with us the thing you love most about living here . The Libyan thing that gives you greatest pleasure.

Well...thanks on the edge for asking me such a difficult question, I wanted to wait till I felt positive about being here, but I have discovered that the time may never come. I don't want to say that I hate living here, 'hate' is a strong word however I still cannot settle in, or get used to it, even after 8 years.

I will answer however the question of what I love the most about living here, I love that my family are close, that my mother is here to listen to all my moaning and groaning. If it wasn't for my mother I would have fallen apart a long time ago.

As for the Libyan thing that gives me the greatest pleasure....I'm gonna say my husband...no details needed... ;)

Just for laughs

2008-10-12T15:00:00.004+02:00

This is one of those things you get in your e-mail inbox, thought I'd share this.

TEACHER : Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA : Here it is!
TEACHER : Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS : Maria!

__________________________________________________________

TEACHER : Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK : Because of the sign.
TEACHER : What sign?
FRANK : The one that says, 'School Ahead, Go Slow.'
___________________________________________________________

TEACHER : John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN : You told me to do it without using tables!
___________________________________________________________

TEACHER : Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN : K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L'
TEACHER : No, that's wrong
GLENN : Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
___________________________________________________________

TEACHER : Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD : H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER : What are you talking about?
DONALD : Yesterday you said it's H to O!
___________________________________________________________

TEACHER : Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE : Me!
___________________________________________________________

TEACHER : Goss, why do you always get so dirty?
GOSS : Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

___________________________________________________________

TEACHER : Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE : I is...
TEACHER : No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE : All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
___________________________________________________________

TEACHER : Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?
TINO : Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time.'
___________________________________________________________

TEACHER : George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?'
LOUIS : Because George still had the ax in his hand.
___________________________________________________________

TEACHER : Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON : No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
___________________________________________________________

TEACHER : Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, teacher, it's the same dog!;
__________________________________________________________

TEACHER : Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD : ( A teacher )

My best wishes.

2008-09-29T14:49:00.001+02:00

HAPPY EID TO ALL

First day at school

2008-09-22T12:18:00.003+02:00

My baby girl did her first day at school yesterday, I took the day off work in case there where any drama's when I dropped her off, but thankfully she was very good.

She started to tear up at first and I assured her that I was not leaving till she said, not five minutes passed and she came up to me and said 'mummy, you can go now, bye' and waved to me gave me a huge kiss and ran off to her colouring.

I think yesterday was harder on me then for her, I actually had a tear in my eye when I walked back to my car. I'm so proud of how grown up she acted. I want her to stay this age forever, don't want her to be a teenager, or grow up and go off to college then get married and have kids and then hardly see her because she's so busy and doesn't have time for me, well maybe for a quick coffee, that's if she's living in the same country as me...

Hello...She's only started Pre-K.

Chicken...!

2008-09-15T09:58:00.003+02:00

So, I chickened out of not cooking. As soon as I walked in the first thing my mother in law said was, so and so (sister in Law) is making this and I'm making that, what are you gonna make. Just as I was about to say 'nothing' she interrupted with 'we haven't made soup, so you can do that'
ofcourse, I couldn't leave it at just soup, I'm a gluten for punishment, once I'm in the kitchen I can't be stopped, especially if I'm hungry.
Give it up people...I'm a lost cause...I know I know, I have to stand up for my self and blah blah blah.. ( i go back to a title from my previous post...avoiding confrontation, that's me)

Any way...I'm wallowing in self pity at the moment...I'm very easily offended and take everything personal... today I have a negative vibe going on.

I'm gonna go to my mums today.

Got e-mailed this great website today, go have a look.
http://www.quranflash.com/

Taking advise..

2008-09-14T13:34:00.002+02:00

Today I am going to do what I have been advised to do...

Wish me luck...
I have a feeling I know what's gonna happen.

lazy kanna...
:)

cooking cooking cooking....

2008-09-11T14:13:00.003+02:00

12 days today and I'm already sick of the kitchen. Why I feel the need to make more than one cuisine (I'm calling Boureq or Pizza cuisine...just humour me) is beyond me?

Well, to be honest I know why.
As i have said before, my Ramadan meal times are spent downstairs with the family, I cook in my Kitchen...which is a huge relief, as my first three Ramadan's where spent cooking in my mother in-laws kitchen, and it wasn't comfortable for me, and I'm sure it wasn't for her either.
My sister in law and her husband join us also, that is when they are not invited out, so that makes six of us, plus my two brats and her one. I don't feel comfortable bringing down one dish to serve, so I tend to make a minimum of 3, that includes a salad sometimes, the thing is, I have a problem with quantities, I have tried to cook more, but its always just enough or not quite.

I long for the day that I spend Ramadan with just my family, my husband and children, then I can cook or not cook all I like, and I can try out new dishes.

I've been bad with my Quran readings, I'm only on the 6th section. I need to read two a day to catch up. I simply can't find the time, and I'm exhausted, as soon as I start reading my eyes just shut down. I'm gonna try to catch up this weekend, and I'm also planning to go out and buy eid clothes for the kids...
I'm not gonna go overboard this year, with baby girls school fee's and such...we need to tighten our belts a bit for a while.

a small sign of home..

2008-09-10T10:14:00.003+02:00

I left work yesterday and didn't particularly want to go home, and straight to cleaning and cooking, so I decided to go for a quick drive around Tripoli, not a good idea I know with the madness and all but it beats the madness at home hands down...

Anyway, driving through Girgaresh trying to keep my eyes on the road, I glimpsed a familiar looking picture, I decided to do a U turn and park, got out of the car and to my amazement I had entered 'Monsoon'. not a monsoon but THE MONSOON.

Ok, we have M&S which I personally don't shop at, (personal views) and Mango, but Monsoon and Accessorize....they just remind me of home. And they had the whole collection, bags and all.

I didn't have any dosh on me, there wasn't anything I wanted to buy anyway, I have to be in the mood to shop, but just being in familiar surroundings made my stop worth while.

For those of you who want to know where it is, its on the corner before Benetton on the opposite side of Zarka Al-yamama.

Happy shopping...

Just a thought

2008-09-07T12:41:00.003+02:00

Why is it in English we say

'can't stop, I have a 101 things to do...'

& in Arabic we say:

'can't stop I have 66 things to do...'

?????

Education

2008-09-03T10:33:00.006+02:00

I woke up this morning at 7am with a feeling of dread, I don't know why, I just didn't feel right. I got up, showered got dressed just as my son was getting up. I did my morning prayers, changed baby boys nappy dressed and set off to drop him off at my mums. My daughter left asleep with her dad, he'll drop her off at my mums when he leaves for work at around 12!?!?.... (its Ramadan working hours...12 till 1:30, then they complain about how tired they are all day)

I was going to do my husbands unfinished assignment of registering our girl in school. I was parked out side the school at 08:56am they start registering at 09:00.

At 9 I decided to knock on the green iron gate to see if I could get in, I young man opened the door and cheerily said good morning, I told him I was here to register at the school and he said that nobody had arrived yet, but that I could wait inside if I liked.

I did, and I waited and waited until at 09:20 a lady arrived, she was smiling which was good, I'm sure I wasn't the first person she wanted to see in the morning, especially after my husband had explained to me how busy it was yesterday as first day of registration and how stressed she was.

I explained what I wanted to do, and no problem, she told me that the application I had filled in is a copy and that I would need to fill in the original (???? no. 1), so I started filling it in, half way through she interrupted saying 'you know that pre KG is only from 08:00 till 12:00' (???? no. 2)
'ummm yeah' I had the feeling that she was having to explain that fact to many unhappy parents yesterday. I carried on filling in the application form, when I finished she turned to me and smiled 'there is one problem....finance don't start till 11:00' (??????? no.3)

There was nothing for me to say, registration at 09:00, takes 10 minutes to fill in the paperwork and pay the money at 11:00 'but come at about 11:30 as its Ramadan and you know!'

'oh...by the way, how much are the fees' I thought I new, I was given a figure in June and sounded reasonable, I just wanted to double check.

'It's 4 thousand.......hold on.....four thousand three hundred and fifty'

I gasped, couldn't help my self...now that's way more then the budget....
I'm confused...how did it get so much, when I asked they had said that last year the fees where 2700 (approx) and that for next year they are adding 20%.
Now my maths sucks...but this is way more than 20%.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do.
Education is a priority... I'm off to go pay...

Oh...the feeling of dread has passed, its been replaced with anxiety.

huh....

2008-09-02T14:15:00.004+02:00

You know when I said 'you want something done ask a woman' i actually meant

'If you want something done ask a woman, after she's had her coffee'

Today I'm making mistake after mistake after mistake....

you think the air conditioning is getting to me...???

27 days to go....

2008-09-02T13:03:00.004+02:00

Ramadan has been going smoothly, it isn't as tough as I thought it would be with the heat and stuff, but then again, I'm in an air conditioned office or an air conditioned house or air conditioned car...so I'm counting my blessings.

I send hubby to enrol my daughter in school today, its the first day of registration and what happened....?? he forgot the application form...and they where not handing out anymore as each one has a number and all the numbers have been taken so far.
When you want something done...ask a woman.

I have been waiting for this day to enrol her in school, I have been up and down the country looking for a decent place, clean, equipped and professional. I narrowed my search down to three places. Gems, ISM and Donia Elibdaa.

Gems....way too expensive for KG
Donia Elibdaa, I wasn't keen on my daughter being couped up in a tiny class room for 4 hours.

So its ISM. I liked the fact that they had classrooms for different activities and I liked the playground..could be better but as i said I've been around most of the private schools in Libya and with a so so budget and wanting my daughter to have a good start in life I hope I have made the right decision.

I also hope by the time she's in High school there are more education options....Shall I hold my breath!!!

Author unknown

2008-08-31T12:04:00.002+02:00

There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept,

things that we don't want to know but have to learn,

and people we can't live without but have to let go.

Thursday's here!!!!

2008-08-21T08:58:00.002+02:00

Only 8 hours to go till the weekend officially starts, I have allot planned, mostly getting ready for Ramadan, you know chopping and freezing. I'm with them downstairs in Ramadan, yes...for the whole month, its not so bad, I'm looking forward to it this year.

I'd like to say happy Ramadan to all who read this.
To all the woman who will be stuck in the kitchen for most of it, may Allah bless you.
To all those who are away from home may Allah give you strength.

I always feel for those who are abroad especially in non-Muslim countries, my brother is in the UK and he's always had to fend for himself, during Ramadan its doubly difficult.

It's a good day today.

My new look.

2008-08-17T14:53:00.002+02:00

I Love the colour, Rich Chocolate Brown with a little hazelnut through it...scrumptious. I love the cut and really love the way they blow dry... pain free frizz busters.

I can officially say that I have found my new home for hair.....

If this doesn't count as a happy moment then I don't know what does.

:-)

Hair...

2008-08-13T15:01:00.003+02:00

If you've read one of my previous posts you will have guessed that my hair is well.....a bit of a nightmare to manage.
I have lost my hairdresser of 3 years to the caging grasps of marriage, she will no longer work in Libya and she will be missed frizzly....I mean dearly...

I have toyed with the Idea of going to Sheila (yes I know Sheila...everybody knows the infamous Sheila) but am a bit apprehensive with whether she can manage my hair, I know she's great, but I've only seen results of her doing manageable hair. Any way, I have made an appointment at a newly found hairdressers whom I suspect is good, seen some stuff she's done...not bad. I'm having the works done, dye, cut and blow dry...we shall see.

I'll let you know what happens.

Happy moment:

2008-08-13T10:25:00.002+02:00

I just had a moment of being able to say the right thing (in my opinion) at the right time. You know when you have a surge of verbal overflow, but its not BS it's actually interesting, mind blowing, psycho stuff.
This made me happy, (maybe because it showed a light at the end of a very dark tunnel for someone)

So I guess my happy moment today is how I felt able to help someone else be happy.

What Makes ME Happy...

2008-08-12T14:06:00.002+02:00

So....this list is divided into 2, what makes me happy and what puts me at ease, they both feel good though...

Happy things (not in any particular order)

My kids eating
My daughter understanding & speaking a little English (my bad for not speaking in English to her)
When I'm in the mood to cook and what I make is great (OK....that almost never happens)
Walking.
Being prepared (this means for social events....presents, hair etc...)

'At ease' things:

A clean and tidy house
Kids asleep
peace and quite
a good conversation
people smiling at me
writing
reading
honest (real) people

I expected to have allot more happy things to list, but when I thought about what really made me happy my mind went blank. I think I'm gonna do an Elizabeth Gilbert and write down a happy moment every time I have one (I'll aim for at least 1 a day) .

Little miss....

2008-08-07T12:57:00.002+02:00

I'm changing my name, to Little Miss Grouch, Little Miss Moody, Little Miss Can't Find Anything To Be Happy About , which ever you like.

You wouldn't think to see me, I'm quite deceptive to the eye, I look happy and confident but...I have issues. My hubby even suggested I go see a Psychiatrist, can you believe it.
I think it has allot to do with me living in Libya, it doesn't agree with me. He thinks that I don't have enough self confidence, or self belief, I believe he is right.

I don't want to start analyzing myself on this blog, it's not why I started it, but it is helping me sort out my thoughts. I had a so so child hood, I was never allowed to make my own decisions, was never allowed to live my life as I wanted, I'm not talking about clubbing and drinking and going to endless parties, but even just seeing my school friends outside of school was an effort on my part to pluck up the courage to ask my Dad (mum was never allowed to have a say in whether we went out or not) if I could go into town with friends...it was almost always a NO, until I stopped asking.

I realise now that they must have been very scared bringing up Muslim girls in a western society, but it has affected the way I am now. I'm 32 and still don't know who I am, what I want or what makes ME happy.
Sad isn't it!!!!
(I don't mean sad in the Boo Hoo cry your eyes out type of way, but sad as in in 'oh my god your so sad')

I'm gonna try and make a list of what makes me happy...
that will be my next post....
there you go...something positive from caught in the middle...

Business Trips

2008-08-04T11:33:00.004+02:00

I have to travel, as much as I love travelling, I hate travelling for work, these two nights one day things are just exhausting, but looking on the bright side, I'll have a good nights sleep and a break from the whole family.... yeahhhhhhh :)

I'm gonna buy lots of books (and decent conditioner), from the airport, yes, as I won't have anytime to go down town. Books books books, I'm gonna buy as many as I can carry, I want to read and transport myself into someone else's life, loves and tribulations, I've had enough of mine.

Does anyone want anything???

Bare my soul...

2008-08-03T09:58:00.005+02:00

My husband and I haven't talked for a while, we speak to each other regarding daily routines, you know the score, we need milk, I'm going out etc...

It was getting to be quite stressful, there is so much I want to say but can't bring myself to as I don't want to fight, I hate fighting, all the years we've been married we have only ever had one huge argument with raised voices, they say its good to argue, it releases stress and it's good for the relationship.

We became accustomed to not bringing up the things that tick us off about each other (which is bad..very bad) we avoid each other, we steer clear of conflict.
Last night I managed to swallow my pride and started to talk, I told him how I felt & how he made me feel, it was a release, it felt like the butterflies residing in my stomach where being freed, there's still so much to say though.

It has always been hard for me to talk about my feelings, even with the closest people to me, sometimes I want to say so much but feel its not worth hearing.

Reading..

2008-07-30T12:09:00.003+02:00

I Love reading, try to do as much as I can when I can, at the moment I'm reading R J Ellory's 'A Quiet Belief In Angels'
I like very much...
This extract especially...

"Love, I would later conclude, was all things to all people. Love was the breaking and healing of hearts. Love was misunderstood, love was faith, love was the promise of now that became hope for the future. Love was a rhythm, a resonance, a reverberation. Love was awkward and foolish, it was aggressive and simple and possessed of so many indefinable qualities it could never be conveyed in language. Love was being"

avoiding confrontation

2008-07-24T10:15:00.002+02:00

I’ve been off work for a week and the net at home hasn’t worked for months, so I haven’t had the opportunity to actually sit down, collect my thoughts and feelings and put them down on paper (or screen). I find that sitting down and thinking about what I want to write and how to convey how I feel in words helps a great deal.

The wedding, after deciding to be the dutiful wife I got dressed, donned my best outfit (being mithajba that cancels out a lot of wedding outfits) and got myself ready for the wedding of the year. We got to the party at about 09:30, the whole time my sister in-law and her mother moaned about how bored they where and how they wanted to go home, I was starting to enjoy myself, saw people I hadn’t seen for years, then the horror as they got up and decided to leave, my husband included, at 11:30...

"2 F****** HOURS, YOU CANCEL MY TRIP TO ATTEND A WEDDING FOR 2 F****** HOURS!!!"

(That’s what I wanted to scream out, what actually happened was me getting up, saying my goodbyes and leave with the rest of the gang like a good little wife, all smiles and angel like… huh...

suspended birthday

2008-07-15T09:36:00.002+02:00

Its my birthday this weekend, hubby and I planned to go for a romantic week in Europe where we will spend my 32nd birthday together in a decent restaurant eating decent food and having a relaxing time away from the kids. You can imagine my disappointment when we received a wedding invitation addressed to both of us for Friday, slap bang in the middle of our plans...
Now....my husband hates weddings and matters of mass social gatherings....but this particular wedding we have to attend :s....
Its a mixed wedding..the lady celebrating her marriage is a friend of the family...Its in a place that my husband has fond memories of...and he doesn't want to miss it.

Could I be the selfish wife and refuse to change my plans? could I really have him miss this social event of the year? (yes, that is sarcasm you detect in my tone!)

No, I can't, we're going to the wedding and cutting the trip short, anything is better than nothing.. I'm getting used to being disappointed and having to settle for what I can get. Not what i dreamed marriage was about, but......you know.

should i, shouldn't i

2008-07-14T09:53:00.004+02:00

I have a dilemma...why am I hiding? why can't i write in this blog without feeling that I have to hide my identity?

I want to post pictures of my daughter and her hair, my son and his screams.

This is my theory, I'm a private person, don't like to talk about my problems much to people, I used to keep a diary but was too scared that someone will find it and read it and find out what I was really thinking.
This Blog is like my diary except people do read it (I hope), they don't know me, but I feel that I'm safe to illustrate my life as is, with no rose coloured glasses, this is it, me, I can be moody all I like, complain all I like about whomever I like.... (them downstairs again...). The great thing about this blog is that I'm even getting great advise.

So maybe I should stay as I am, like this, no one needs to know who I am, what I do or what my children look like....

Forbidden

2008-07-13T14:44:00.003+02:00

Thoughts of you inside my head

wishing you were here instead.

Memories of love forbidden,

why must we keep this hidden.

Should we not scream & shout,

For these feeling we must reach out.

Could it be the end is near,

may be better than living in fear.

London Baby.....

2008-07-13T12:31:00.003+02:00

I'm back, had a great Thursday in London, we only ended up going for one day and I only took my daughter who had a fantastic time. did a little bit of shopping allot of walking and playing in the park, Friday's weather was dry which was a relief as when we arrived it was pouring down with rain, didn't stop us going out though.... I love London...

I don't know if any of you have been through Heathrow's new T5, absolutely amazing... I loved it...so clean so airy so spacious and so easy to get around...I sound like an ad for British Airways don't I, this is a picture I took while I was having a vegetarian Brunch at the Giraffe cafe in T5 early friday morning.

I'll try post more picks later. and tell you a bit more about the trip too...

Insulted and ashamed...

2008-07-07T11:37:00.002+02:00

I was reading KhadijaTeri's blog posted a long time ago about Libyan women, while I was reading i was nodding away at the absolute truth of the whole thing, when I finished I decided to read the comments...oh my god.....

How people are offended easily, If KhadijaTeri was a Libyan writing the blog I'm 100% sure that the comments would have been accepted noted and remarked upon as "how funny". I was however insulted at the words of the commentators especially the American lady who managed to add that it was they who taught Libyans how to use a toilet seat (??!!!??), maybe so, maybe not...But I was even more ashamed to read what the Libyan commentators wrote...

"if you don't like where you are go home"

"your husband gives you more freedom than if he was married to a Libyan"

????????????????

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, I'm a big believer in freedom of speech, however I'm also a huge believer in respect.

joy......

2008-07-07T09:30:00.002+02:00

The waters back....the dishes are done, the house is clean and hubby is back in the house.
My husband managed to get the pump installed last night, It feels so good to take a proper shower, I can't believe it took three days to fix such a small problem which wasn't broken to begin with!?!?!

I'm planning to take the kids to the UK on Tuesday, my youngest son hasn't been out of the country since he was born and I'm a little anxious on how he'll be on the flight, he's a screamer as are most Libyan kids :) but hopefully he'll sleep all through the flight. We're only going for a few days, but its a chance for all of us to get some fresh air. I really want the kids to play in a clean park, to eat organic fruit and to walk in the fresh air comfortably with no hassles with the stroller or passers by. I really miss that.

Oh...and do a spot of shopping too...;)

Dried up weekend...

2008-07-06T12:29:00.002+02:00

You always imagine weekends to be a relaxing time where you catch up on all the things that you couldn't do during the week, no stress, just take your time and do the business kind of thing. Well occasionally a mishap here and there occurs, Like NOT HAVING ANY WATER FOR THE WHOLE TWO DAYS OF RELAXATION!!!!!! (yes you've sensed it, I'm angry......)

My in-laws , them downstairs, the parents, stay home all week, with nothing much to do, they are old, very old and possibly going senile, decided on Friday morning of all days to do a little maintenance to the water works for both upstairs and downstairs (looking back, they did mean well), anyway they managed to get the maintenance sorted, and also managed to burn out the pump that delivers water to my apartment, which needs spare parts and as its Friday they won't be able to get them till Saturday. I have a 4 year old and a 17 month old, for those of you who have kids you'll understand my frustration in having to take them downstairs every time they need the loo or have a nappy changed, or wash their hands or prepare a bottle...etc..etc..etc.. NIGHTMARE.......

To add to my crazy in-laws (sorry), I have a lazy husband, who couldn't be bothered to find the parts needed to fix the water pump till very late in the evening on Saturday, and then once we found someone to install, there where more parts missing....(JOY...) to cut a very long and tedious story short, I had to take a very slow and cold shower this morning and we still don't have proper running water (21st century my ***).

With Fridays and Saturdays dishes piled high, kids at my mums and husband in the doghouse, I'd say I'm having a pretty good month don't you.

Search of happiness...

2008-07-03T09:50:00.002+02:00

My efforts to settle down here is a never ending wheel of shock, turmoil, depression, confusion and pain. My need to find a balance which works for me seems impossible.
I'm feeling desperate now, why can't I just except, say alhamdulilah and move on, however could the grass be greener on the other side? could there be a better life for me?
Again, its this want and need that's ruling my life.

I know I have too wake up and smell the coffee, I need a couple of good slaps on the face and someone to tell me to except the great things that god has given me, but to people I look happy, my life looks great and nothings wrong.

I wish that content feeling I had two days ago comes back, its such a weight off my shoulders. Whenever I'm feeling the way I feel today I try to remember those good days but all I seem to come up with is negative thoughts.

Things I'm grateful for:

My Husband - who's easy going and lets me be who I want to be.
My children - every day is an exciting step up to their world - my heart skips a beat every time they do something new.
My parents, their unconditional love for us - and the sacrifices they made for us.
My brothers and sisters- who are always there.
My religion - keeps me alive.
My Job - Gets me out of the house.

Alhamdulilah yarab.

I feel better now, thank you for listening.

Long & Happy Days

2008-07-01T15:00:00.004+02:00

Its been a long day at work today, and its only 3.00!! but time has gone by so slowly. Have you ever had one of those days? it always happens when your tired and sleepy from doing something the previous day or night.

Its been a pretty uneventful day, not very interesting to put on a blog I know, but I am still new at this ;)

Today I feel content. It's a great feeling to have, this sensation of complete calm and happiness that sometimes we tend to lose touch with. I'm not usualy a content person, I have a constant need to have more, do more and achieve more which drives my husband up the wall, it drives me crazy too, as I'm always left feeling moody and worthless.
Today I'm happy...yes I want to sleep, but I'm happy.

I wish this feeling to all who read this mind numbing blog.

Caught in the Middle.

2008-06-30T12:51:00.003+02:00

Caught in the middle of what? you may ask. Well basically its trying to fit in but not wanting to change who I am, where and how I was brought up is being contradicted every single day of my life here in Libya. I'm being pulled, dragged and twisted in ways that are really doing my head in.

In one hand I'm supposed to be a successfull and confident woman with her husband and kids as her back bone and inspiration to do well, while on the other hand I'm being scorned for not spending enough time at home taking care of them, and the house and of my in laws. (my in-laws....that's another story)

I work till 4:00 that's not too bad is it? I get home, I cook...(well try!!!) I do laundry, I play with the kids, bath them, put them to bed, and relax.... Yes its a routine and is boring, but my husbands happy, my kids are happy... so why can't people just leave me alone to live my life how I can, its not perfect, but it's mine.

It's hard enough to get through the normal day without collapsing, imagine getting home and being confronted by my mother in law with "we have to go see 'whats her name' today, her husbands no well, we're leaving at 7." Not so bad if you can just slip on jeans and a shirt, pull your hair back and be ready.....nooooooooooooo you have to look smart...cos other people will be their, you have to have your hair in order not just washed and pulled back (my hair is well...frizzy..curly...course...whatever you want to call it....i have to get it blow dried professionally *ok semi-pro*...I'm way too lazy to do it myself) ,In the end I opt for just blow drying my fringe as I simply don't have any time for anything else, and I'm way too exhausted.

Why I have to be dragged to these people that I don't even know is beyond me, yes visiting the sick is good, but not to sit there for hours chatting away about people who have died and are even more sicker than the person we've come to see....how depressing.

Lord give me strength.

Hello to all who read this.

2008-06-30T08:56:00.000+02:00

I'm new at blogging, never done it before and never read any, till one day sitting at work bored out of my brain (this doesn't happen frequently), I decided to do some searching and came across many Libyan bloggers.

I loved it!

I don't know if its a fascination with peoples lives and experiences that I love or just the fact that there are people out there that really need to talk and share.

I really need to talk. Real friends a scarce in Libya, I've been back home now for a few years after growing up in the UK and yearn for my friends back home. yes, I call it home and I always will. They say home is were the heart is, my heart is definitely there.